If you’re starting a surrogacy journey, you might be wondering what your relationship with your surrogate or intended parents will be like, and how to keep it strong. Here’s the good news: staying connected doesn’t mean you have to become best friends. It grows from honest conversations, a way of checking in that works for everyone, and room for the relationship to develop at its own pace.
Every match is different. Some text every day and swap stories about their kids. Others check in after appointments and keep things simple. Both can work well. At Shining Light Baby, we support all kinds of matches, and we’re here to help you find what feels right for yours.
Get to know each other during matching
Your first match meeting is where the relationship begins. It’s a chance to see whether your values line up and to ask open questions about the pregnancy, how involved everyone would like to be, and what you each hope for. Intended parents can prepare with these questions to ask at the match meeting, and surrogates can read about what matching looks like from their side.
It’s also a good time to notice what kind of relationship feels comfortable. Some intended parents hope for frequent contact. Some surrogates prefer a lighter touch. Neither is wrong, and talking about it early can help avoid disappointment later.
Decide how you’ll stay in touch before pregnancy
Before the embryo transfer, you’ll go through psychological screening, which includes a joint session with a mental health professional. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends that this session cover topics like:
- How often you’ll talk, and how (calls, texts, or video)
- How involved the intended parents would like to be during pregnancy and delivery
- How you’ll work through disagreements
- What each of you pictures for your relationship after the journey
Use that time to get specific. Will you have a weekly call, or a quick text after each appointment? Would a shared appointment calendar help, so no one has to send reminders? If you live far apart or in different time zones, pick call times that work for both of you, and talk about whether intended parents can join appointments by video when the doctor’s office allows it.
None of this is set in stone. Anyone can ask for more space or suggest a change if something isn’t working. Revisiting the plan is normal, not a sign that something went wrong.
Share milestones and everyday moments
Pregnancy brings big moments, like a positive test, the first ultrasound, and hearing the heartbeat. Talk ahead of time about how you’d like to share them. Some intended parents come in person or join by video. Others prefer a phone call afterward. When someone is waiting to hear, a simple message like “The appointment is done. I’ll call you tonight.” can go a long way, whatever the news is.
Connection isn’t only about pregnancy updates. Asking about each other’s families, chatting about work or weekend plans, or sharing a funny moment helps you get to know each other as people.
Some matches also enjoy capturing the journey in photos, exchanging small gifts, or including family in a celebration. These are lovely ideas, but they’re optional. Skipping them doesn’t make your relationship any less meaningful.
Make room for different feelings
The same milestone can feel very different to each person. An intended parent might feel huge relief at an ultrasound, while the surrogate feels happy but mostly tired. After years of infertility or loss, intended parents may feel anxious even when everything is going well. These feelings are normal, and it can help to talk openly about the emotional ups and downs of surrogacy.
Being connected doesn’t mean being responsible for each other’s feelings. A surrogate can offer reassurance without having to calm every worry, and intended parents can offer support without being able to fix every discomfort of pregnancy. It helps for everyone to have their own support too, like a partner, close friends, a support group, or a counselor who works with families built through surrogacy.
If a hard moment comes, like a transfer that doesn’t work or an unexpected stretch of bed rest, gentle honesty may help more than silence.
Talk through misunderstandings early
Small misunderstandings are easier to fix while they’re still small. A slow reply isn’t automatically a sign of a problem. It may simply mean a busy workday, family plans, or a need for some downtime. If something feels off, ask about it kindly instead of guessing.
It also helps to talk openly about privacy. For example, can the surrogate’s photos or story be shared on social media or with extended family? Decide together what will be shared, with whom, and where, like a private group chat versus a public post.
At Shining Light Baby, our coordinators can help with tricky conversations when a neutral voice would be useful. We’re there to support you, not to replace talking with each other.
Plan for delivery and life afterward
As the due date gets closer, go over your birth plan together. Who would the surrogate like in the delivery room? How will updates be shared from the hospital, and who will tell family the news? Are photos welcome, and how much time would everyone like together after the baby arrives?
This is also a good time to talk again about contact after the birth. There’s no single right amount. Some families exchange photos and holiday cards for years. Others stay in touch more lightly. Share your hopes honestly, and know they may change over time.
Life shifts quickly after delivery. The surrogate is recovering physically and emotionally, and intended parents are adjusting to life with a newborn. Messages may slow down for a while, and that’s okay. Talking ahead of time about how your relationship may change after the birth can help everyone feel more prepared.
Support from Shining Light Baby
We support intended parents and surrogates at every stage, from matching to delivery, including the conversations that help relationships stay healthy along the way.
Start your intended parent inquiry to talk with our team about your journey or Apply to become a surrogate and find out if surrogacy is a good fit for you.